Day 2 - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

I remember the last few occasions that I was in KL. On the former occasion I was with my ex-girlfriend. We had planned to go to Burma but couldn't as we didn't have visas. Like most Asian countries, I was under the impression that you can just "buy your way" there and receive a Visa upon arrival. I was wrong. We ended up staying in a dinge-y hotel. The walls were velvet. Blue velvet - never okay. And watching Disney channel. As far as going to Asia to feel enlightened goes, this was far from that. The occasion that followed was with my brothers. We stayed in this exact hostel in a private room. I remember having so much fun with them. But time changes and people change. One day you can be best friends with your sibling, and the next day, well. You're here without them. It followed our family holiday to Africa, where we had ultimately indulged in numerous buffets. At this stage in my life I was 80 kilos. For someone who is 162cm, that is a fair bit of weight to be lugging around. It's odd but I do recall the first time that I felt that something was "wrong". I was sitting in the car with my family driving through Africa, and I could feel my breast touching a roll of fat. I remember thinking "oh, that's new". What truly affirmed my weight-gain was when my brother and I went to a club in Capetown. The club was filled with sleazy men and nowhere to escape. He turned to me and said "I'm so glad you're fat right now". If it was anyone else I would have probably been offended, but because it was him, I was kind of glad too. It's weird waking up in Malaysia - the air is humid and the people are different. Aside from the fact that I am a lesbian travelling in a Muslim country, there is also a lot of poverty. At 5am I walked to 711 to get a bottle of water, and sleeping out the front was a homeless man. It's always a strange internal conflict when you see homeless people, isn't it? You feel sorry for them but at the same you don't want to, because by feeling sorry for them it would suggest that they are less than you - and if I've learnt anything in this life, it's that nobody is greater or less than anyone- just different. Upon my return I also saw a dead cow - hacked into pieces and being prepped for a butcher. It's not like Australia where the pieces of meat are nicely cut and then wrapped in film. There was a cow's head, eyes open on the back of a ute. I've attempted to go pescatarian a few times now but that was probably the final straw. Eyes wide open and watching me, as though it was crying "what the fuck did I do to you?". Nothing! You poor cow. You've done nothing wrong. If we really think about it (and I'm not trying to preach BUT), imagine that was a human head.. hanging off the back of a vehicle in broad daylight. I'm in this limbo stage right now - I'm not sure what to do. What some call cowardly others may call courage, and vice versa. I have job interviews lined up next week in Sydney and I know that the 'responsible' and 'right' thing to do would be to go home and deal with the consequences of my broken relationship and home. All of my belongings, my entire life - is in Sydney. Yet somehow none of that bothers me? To be fair I care about my books. If I could salvage anything it would be my books. Aside from that I have a great tele, furniture, king-sized bed, kitchen utilities and utensils, a washer, a fabulous dining table and a sofa. But what am I going to do with it all? I mean, if you have no one to share it with - what's it worth? It's just 'stuff' right? I mean we hear about Rachel Gilbert's eat-pray-love jargon all the time. The only difference is that she was paid by a publication company for her adventure and I am on my own. To continue my venture and follow the wind where it blows me, or to go home only to come back? I don't know. If I go home to nothing, I'll be back here anyway. Why am i travel-logueing? Because I'm not alone in this and I know that. There must be many who feel and think that I do, maybe not aligning with 'social constructs'. Whoever you and wherever you are, you're not alone. I journal because I need it. I declare it because it sustains me. Because as sad as it may be, it reminds me that I am no alone in this big world. I don't know who I am talking to - but if you receive this... have courage and be brave. All is not lost.

Day 1 - Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

How stupid am I? A valid question, albeit not particularly nice. Two weeks ago my life was perfection - I had a great job working for a B corporation and doing some good in the world, a wonderful partner and a cosy home. Yet, here I am - in the middle of Malaysia with nothing to show for myself. I have no money, no partner, no home - I have nothing to go back to. And by nothing, I don't mean a home or bed - I'm talking about a sense of belonging. Suffering from an anxiety disorder it was extremely stupid of me to leave Sydney and go to Asia. Without resources or support, I've clearly done something irrational (once again) and have placed myself in a reckless circumstance. The strangest part of it all though is that it doesn't feel 'wrong' (whatever that means). For some reason, I just believe that everything is going to work out. Maybe that makes me an idiot- considering I have no finances to support myself, a job or a place to sleep - I somehow feel very grounded. I flew from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur today; a place that isn't particularly wonderful or extravagant. You know how sad it is when you've visited a below-average place so many times that you feel like a local. My phone died. I got off the plane, onto a bus into central KL and then a train to Masjid Jamek and then walked to my hostel. It was too familiar for my liking. I wish I could be the kind of person that said I got off in Venice, or Paris or New York and knew my way like a local- unfortunately, it's just Kuala Lumpur. With $500 to my name, and in love with someone back home - I'm not too sure what I'm going to do. I've only been in love twice before. My first love, like all loves, you never forget. I was 16. She was my tutor. She was so beautiful. Not beautiful in a "I wanna bang her"-way, but beautiful in a "her soul is delightful"-way. My next true love was a girl who was just amazing. She was nice. Too nice. So nice that I couldn't understand what was real and what wasn't. And my most recent love, well- she was the entire package. Smart, beautiful, kind but not able to handle me. I don't like to admit it, but it's true- I am a lot to handle. I thought about her on the flight here... her face, her scent, her beauty- how can a single human be so beautiful? I miss her. But I guess that truly loving someone means that you have to let them go. As I sat on the bus into Kuala Lumpur from the airport, I felt a great sense of relief. The bus passed many trees as the radio station howled traditional Malaysian songs. And then it hit me - this world is so big and I am so little. There is minimal purpose in acting as though as a human, anything we do or say is a strong impact... because regardless of what happens to us, the world goes on. I don't know where I'm going to end up. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. But at the same time, I also don't care. In a way that's extremely selfish because I know that there are people back home who wonder about my well-being. Although I know that I'm not "normal", I do believe that this escape is the right thing to do. Does that make me silly? Probably. I left my home and everything that I had- my bed, my books, my tele.. I left it all to her. She called me a coward. And she's probably right. It's hard. It's hard when you love someone so much that you can't even blame them for living without you, because you know innately that you're not fantastic. I don't know where this road will take me. I've got a solid head on my shoulders and my youth. I'm not sure what that's worth these days but I guess we'll see. Maybe I'll be home in a week, or maybe I'll truck on and end up doing something extremely random (likely). I am not perfect but I am me. I speak in paragraphs. Whoever is reading this, I just wanted to let you know- that no one is perfect, but it doesn't make you unkind. I am selfish and I am silly, but I love to the best of my abilities.