I remember the last few occasions that I was in KL. On the former occasion I was with my ex-girlfriend. We had planned to go to Burma but couldn't as we didn't have visas. Like most Asian countries, I was under the impression that you can just "buy your way" there and receive a Visa upon arrival. I was wrong.
We ended up staying in a dinge-y hotel. The walls were velvet. Blue velvet - never okay. And watching Disney channel. As far as going to Asia to feel enlightened goes, this was far from that.
The occasion that followed was with my brothers. We stayed in this exact hostel in a private room. I remember having so much fun with them. But time changes and people change. One day you can be best friends with your sibling, and the next day, well. You're here without them.
It followed our family holiday to Africa, where we had ultimately indulged in numerous buffets. At this stage in my life I was 80 kilos. For someone who is 162cm, that is a fair bit of weight to be lugging around. It's odd but I do recall the first time that I felt that something was "wrong". I was sitting in the car with my family driving through Africa, and I could feel my breast touching a roll of fat. I remember thinking "oh, that's new". What truly affirmed my weight-gain was when my brother and I went to a club in Capetown. The club was filled with sleazy men and nowhere to escape. He turned to me and said "I'm so glad you're fat right now". If it was anyone else I would have probably been offended, but because it was him, I was kind of glad too.
It's weird waking up in Malaysia - the air is humid and the people are different. Aside from the fact that I am a lesbian travelling in a Muslim country, there is also a lot of poverty.
At 5am I walked to 711 to get a bottle of water, and sleeping out the front was a homeless man. It's always a strange internal conflict when you see homeless people, isn't it? You feel sorry for them but at the same you don't want to, because by feeling sorry for them it would suggest that they are less than you - and if I've learnt anything in this life, it's that nobody is greater or less than anyone- just different.
Upon my return I also saw a dead cow - hacked into pieces and being prepped for a butcher. It's not like Australia where the pieces of meat are nicely cut and then wrapped in film. There was a cow's head, eyes open on the back of a ute.
I've attempted to go pescatarian a few times now but that was probably the final straw. Eyes wide open and watching me, as though it was crying "what the fuck did I do to you?". Nothing! You poor cow. You've done nothing wrong.
If we really think about it (and I'm not trying to preach BUT), imagine that was a human head.. hanging off the back of a vehicle in broad daylight.
I'm in this limbo stage right now - I'm not sure what to do. What some call cowardly others may call courage, and vice versa.
I have job interviews lined up next week in Sydney and I know that the 'responsible' and 'right' thing to do would be to go home and deal with the consequences of my broken relationship and home.
All of my belongings, my entire life - is in Sydney.
Yet somehow none of that bothers me? To be fair I care about my books. If I could salvage anything it would be my books.
Aside from that I have a great tele, furniture, king-sized bed, kitchen utilities and utensils, a washer, a fabulous dining table and a sofa.
But what am I going to do with it all? I mean, if you have no one to share it with - what's it worth? It's just 'stuff' right?
I mean we hear about Rachel Gilbert's eat-pray-love jargon all the time. The only difference is that she was paid by a publication company for her adventure and I am on my own.
To continue my venture and follow the wind where it blows me, or to go home only to come back? I don't know.
If I go home to nothing, I'll be back here anyway.
Why am i travel-logueing? Because I'm not alone in this and I know that.
There must be many who feel and think that I do, maybe not aligning with 'social constructs'.
Whoever you and wherever you are, you're not alone.
I journal because I need it. I declare it because it sustains me.
Because as sad as it may be, it reminds me that I am no alone in this big world.
I don't know who I am talking to - but if you receive this... have courage and be brave. All is not lost.
No comments:
Post a Comment