How stupid am I? A valid question, albeit not particularly nice.
Two weeks ago my life was perfection - I had a great job working for a B corporation and doing some good in the world, a wonderful partner and a cosy home.
Yet, here I am - in the middle of Malaysia with nothing to show for myself.
I have no money, no partner, no home - I have nothing to go back to. And by nothing, I don't mean a home or bed - I'm talking about a sense of belonging.
Suffering from an anxiety disorder it was extremely stupid of me to leave Sydney and go to Asia.
Without resources or support, I've clearly done something irrational (once again) and have placed myself in a reckless circumstance.
The strangest part of it all though is that it doesn't feel 'wrong' (whatever that means).
For some reason, I just believe that everything is going to work out.
Maybe that makes me an idiot- considering I have no finances to support myself, a job or a place to sleep - I somehow feel very grounded.
I flew from Sydney to Kuala Lumpur today; a place that isn't particularly wonderful or extravagant. You know how sad it is when you've visited a below-average place so many times that you feel like a local. My phone died. I got off the plane, onto a bus into central KL and then a train to Masjid Jamek and then walked to my hostel. It was too familiar for my liking. I wish I could be the kind of person that said I got off in Venice, or Paris or New York and knew my way like a local- unfortunately, it's just Kuala Lumpur.
With $500 to my name, and in love with someone back home - I'm not too sure what I'm going to do.
I've only been in love twice before.
My first love, like all loves, you never forget.
I was 16. She was my tutor. She was so beautiful. Not beautiful in a "I wanna bang her"-way, but beautiful in a "her soul is delightful"-way.
My next true love was a girl who was just amazing. She was nice. Too nice. So nice that I couldn't understand what was real and what wasn't.
And my most recent love, well- she was the entire package. Smart, beautiful, kind but not able to handle me. I don't like to admit it, but it's true- I am a lot to handle.
I thought about her on the flight here... her face, her scent, her beauty- how can a single human be so beautiful?
I miss her. But I guess that truly loving someone means that you have to let them go.
As I sat on the bus into Kuala Lumpur from the airport, I felt a great sense of relief. The bus passed many trees as the radio station howled traditional Malaysian songs. And then it hit me - this world is so big and I am so little. There is minimal purpose in acting as though as a human, anything we do or say is a strong impact... because regardless of what happens to us, the world goes on.
I don't know where I'm going to end up. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. But at the same time, I also don't care.
In a way that's extremely selfish because I know that there are people back home who wonder about my well-being. Although I know that I'm not "normal", I do believe that this escape is the right thing to do. Does that make me silly? Probably.
I left my home and everything that I had- my bed, my books, my tele.. I left it all to her.
She called me a coward. And she's probably right.
It's hard. It's hard when you love someone so much that you can't even blame them for living without you, because you know innately that you're not fantastic.
I don't know where this road will take me. I've got a solid head on my shoulders and my youth. I'm not sure what that's worth these days but I guess we'll see.
Maybe I'll be home in a week, or maybe I'll truck on and end up doing something extremely random (likely).
I am not perfect but I am me. I speak in paragraphs.
Whoever is reading this, I just wanted to let you know- that no one is perfect, but it doesn't make you unkind.
I am selfish and I am silly, but I love to the best of my abilities.
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